![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
Title: You and me against the world.
Author: KliqzAngel
Content: Angsty!Sam, Angsty!Dean, Spoilers for 4x22. Ep Coda, Smidgeon of Wincest, but it’s barely there.
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Ep Coda for 4x22. Sam breaks, and Dean tries to put him back together, so he doesn’t lose what little he has left.
Sam sat in the car next to Dean quiet and drowning under a mountain of guilt. Dean knew that he should say something, but he didn’t know where to start. This opening up and sharing your feelings shit was Sam’s thing not his, except Sam hadn’t acted much like Sam since Dean had gotten out of hell. Dean had been trying desperately not to think about who he WAS acting like because it made him decidedly uncomfortable. He didn’t like looking in the mirror to see himself these days, let alone to look at Sam and see the same thing.
The problem was that he was more aware now. His eyes had been opened enough that he knew that he couldn’t just ignore things anymore hoping they’d disappear. And, Sam…
He needed Sam, needed his little brother back, not this faux Dean version he’d been struggling with. He wanted to scream. He wanted to rage. He wanted to point his finger at someone else, anyone else, but he couldn’t. He couldn’t because he knew he was the model Sam had been taught to look up to. He was the one dad had told Sam to be more like. He was every expectation Sam believed he never lived up to. So now that Sam was doing his very best Big Brother Dean impersonation, where did he go? How were they supposed to recover when Sam was the one who always could be counted on to fix shit when they were broke?
“How did we get here?” Dean turned his head away from the road startled at the sound of Sam’s voice sounding hopeless and broken and asking the very question that had been bouncing around inside of Dean’s own head. “How the hell did we get here, Dean?”
“I’ve been sittin’ here trying to figure out where we got off track at, where we lost dad’s path at. Some days it feels like we’re barely brothers, and others we’re so far apart you might as well still be in hell because I can’t find you.”
“I know this is my fault. I know that I fucked up. I know I was the weak link ‘cause Jesus Dean I’m always the weak link. Our whole lives I have been the weak link.” Snorting Sam shook his head staring out the window like he was hoping to be swallowed up by the inky blackness, and Dean was a little afraid that’s exactly what his brother was wishing for.
“You know, I saw mom when you had me locked up at Bobby’s trying to detox me, and I wanted her to be real so bad. I wanted her to be real, because for once someone was telling me that I was the strong one, but I should have known. I should have known she wasn’t real, ‘cause you’re always the strong one, the favored one, you’re the only one that gets it right.”
“I think… I think it went wrong right from the start… when I lived and she died. I think you and dad’s lives would have been so much better without me.”
“No! Sam just… no damnit.” Dean’s hands clenched around the steering wheel his chest tight as his heart raced with panic. He had not come all this way, suffered through hell even after he got OUT of hell to lose Sammy now. “Don’t you know? It’s all about you! I have nothing without you. I don’t want to be without you. The only thing we did wrong is that we didn’t talk to each other, and when we did we didn’t listen to each other!”
“It’s my job to know when you’re lost Sam, and I didn’t see it because I was so wrapped up in me that I didn’t see you weren’t there next to me until it was too late. Then I wasted time being pissed instead of fixing what was broken.”
“Sam, remember that last job with Gordon? Remember when you said that you needed your big brother back? Well, I need my Sammy back. I need my partner in crime, my companion on this never ending road trip we’re on, my lover, my best friend. Damnit Sam, you can’t leave me, not now! Not after everything. They can’t win after we’ve suffered so bad!”
“Just come back and be my Sammy again.”
“I’m a fuck up, Dean.”
“No!” Dean shot back firmly. “You’re just lost, but, I’m here now and we’re gonna fund our way out of the dark. Then, we’re gonna kick all their asses… angels and demons alike. They’ll find out you don’t mess with the brothers Winchester, Sam. You and me against the world. They’ll see.”
Dean nodded as if that was all that was needed to make everything all right, wishing for the days when that had been all he needed to fix all Sammy’s problems.
“The brothers Winchester aren’t exactly the functioning unit we used to be remember? You might be on you’re A game, but I sure as hell ain’t. Apparently I wasn’t even in the same ballpark trying to play the Super Bowl when I was supposed to be in the World Series. I’ve been sucking demon’s blood like it’s a milk shake ‘cause I wanted to believe I had the right answer, when all along I was just helping Ruby win some fucked up demon version of king of the mountain. And, we’ve already proven we can’t exactly put me into a 12-step program to fix it.”
“So, we find some mojo to correct it!” Dean insisted not willing to be pulled off path. “There’s no way we can’t fix this Sam. So, maybe we have to change our methods a little, but we’re gonna find a way damnit. We are all we have left, and I am not losing you.” Dean thought maybe if he kept saying it, that would be enough to fix everything, but soon discovered he was once again mistaken. Things were so much worse than he imagined.
“WHY?” Sam screamed finally breaking into a million little pieces, hand slamming into the passenger’s side window as Dean yanked the steering wheel pulling off the road in a hurry and slamming on the brakes. “WHAT THE FUCK GOOD IS KEEPING ME AROUND? I’M A FUCK UP! I’VE RUINED EVERYTHING! JESUS DEAN I BROUGHT LUCIFER BACK TO LIFE! I CAN FEEL HELL INSIDE OF ME! I CAN’T GO BACK FROM THAT! BE DONE WITH ME! PUT A BULLET IN MY FUCKING HEAD AND BE DONE WITH ME, BECAUSE ALL I AM IS A LIABILITY TO YOU!”
“AND, WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO THEN, SAM?” Dean screamed back, scared and broken himself. “WHAT THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WHEN ALL I HAVE LEFT IS ME?”
Trying to take a step back, Dean paused trying to bring his raging emotions under control. “What the fuck do I have left if I lose you too? You have been my whole life since the day you were born! You were already my life when Dad put you into my arms, my responsibility, and my job. I need you Sam. I meant it at Stanford, and I mean it now. I can’t do it without you! I don’t wanna!”
“My whole life I’ve been losing things that were important to me, my mother, my home, friends, girls, opportunities to be something other than what was on dad’s plan for my life, but I’ve always had you. No matter what I’ve said, I always knew I had you. Hell even when I told you not to come back I knew I had you, knew deep down that if I called, if I sent word out that I needed you, that you’d always be there at my back where you’ve always been! How do you think I do what I do Sam? It’s because I know that I have you there AT. MY. BACK! I know if I misstep, if I miscalculated something, if my idea is bunk I have you there to drag me out, give me time to recalculate, throw me a new idea, whatever the fuck I need, Sam.”
“It’s always been us and it will always be us! We just need to recalculate who we are a little! I need to listen better, you need to listen better. Sammy, you’re not a fuck up, you’re my kid brother, and I won’t make this without you. Do you know why I brought you back? Why I made that deal? I couldn’t make it a few days Sam! You survived FOUR MONTHS. Hell you survived longer than that at college! I couldn’t do it. Mom was right! I’M NOT THE STRONG ONE SAM, YOU ARE! You saw what you thought needed to be done and you did it. You took the hit knowing you probably wouldn’t be able to come back from it. You find the strength to do the things I can’t.”
“Come on, Sam. Brothers Winchester…. Please?” Holding out a hand, Dean watched Sam’s face, watched his Adam’s apple bob as he swallowed around his grief and pain.
“You really believe you need me at your back?” Sam asked hesitantly, as if afraid to come out of the shadows and darkness he'd become comfortable living in. “Despite what I did? How bad I fucked up? You still trust me at your back?”
“Sam,” Dean sighed scooting across the bench, taking Sam’s face in his hands. “Even when you were little, if you messed something up, you ALWAYS fix it. You fight and work ‘til you’re exhausted, you put more on yourself than anyone else, even dad. You never STOP ‘til you’ve made amends. Me, I just try and ignore it hoping it’ll go away, hoping everyone will forget. How can I not trust you when I know you’ll fix this? WE will fix this. SamandDean back together again, the reunion tour. Come on, little brother. Be my co-pilot again, be my roadie, my… what did you call yourself when you were goin’ through that medieval phase as a kid?”
“Scribe,” Sam snorts softly. “I wanted to be your scribe, and you’d be The Black Knight saving the day.”
“Yes! That’s us Sam! Be my brother again! Believe in me again! Be my Sammy again.”
The nod was small, but it was enough. Pulling him into a hug, Dean accepted it was enough. He was well versed in the language of Sam, and knew this was as good as it would get until Sam got his feet under himself, got his confidence back, but it was more than enough for now.
Then, pulling back Dean got behind the wheel again and pulling a tape out of the glove box shoved it in the tape deck, smiling as AC/DC blasted out of the speakers, feeling the tires spit out gravel as he floored it taping out the beat to Back in Black as he raced off toward their future.
Lucifer better watch out.
The End!
Author: KliqzAngel
Content: Angsty!Sam, Angsty!Dean, Spoilers for 4x22. Ep Coda, Smidgeon of Wincest, but it’s barely there.
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Ep Coda for 4x22. Sam breaks, and Dean tries to put him back together, so he doesn’t lose what little he has left.
Sam sat in the car next to Dean quiet and drowning under a mountain of guilt. Dean knew that he should say something, but he didn’t know where to start. This opening up and sharing your feelings shit was Sam’s thing not his, except Sam hadn’t acted much like Sam since Dean had gotten out of hell. Dean had been trying desperately not to think about who he WAS acting like because it made him decidedly uncomfortable. He didn’t like looking in the mirror to see himself these days, let alone to look at Sam and see the same thing.
The problem was that he was more aware now. His eyes had been opened enough that he knew that he couldn’t just ignore things anymore hoping they’d disappear. And, Sam…
He needed Sam, needed his little brother back, not this faux Dean version he’d been struggling with. He wanted to scream. He wanted to rage. He wanted to point his finger at someone else, anyone else, but he couldn’t. He couldn’t because he knew he was the model Sam had been taught to look up to. He was the one dad had told Sam to be more like. He was every expectation Sam believed he never lived up to. So now that Sam was doing his very best Big Brother Dean impersonation, where did he go? How were they supposed to recover when Sam was the one who always could be counted on to fix shit when they were broke?
“How did we get here?” Dean turned his head away from the road startled at the sound of Sam’s voice sounding hopeless and broken and asking the very question that had been bouncing around inside of Dean’s own head. “How the hell did we get here, Dean?”
“I’ve been sittin’ here trying to figure out where we got off track at, where we lost dad’s path at. Some days it feels like we’re barely brothers, and others we’re so far apart you might as well still be in hell because I can’t find you.”
“I know this is my fault. I know that I fucked up. I know I was the weak link ‘cause Jesus Dean I’m always the weak link. Our whole lives I have been the weak link.” Snorting Sam shook his head staring out the window like he was hoping to be swallowed up by the inky blackness, and Dean was a little afraid that’s exactly what his brother was wishing for.
“You know, I saw mom when you had me locked up at Bobby’s trying to detox me, and I wanted her to be real so bad. I wanted her to be real, because for once someone was telling me that I was the strong one, but I should have known. I should have known she wasn’t real, ‘cause you’re always the strong one, the favored one, you’re the only one that gets it right.”
“I think… I think it went wrong right from the start… when I lived and she died. I think you and dad’s lives would have been so much better without me.”
“No! Sam just… no damnit.” Dean’s hands clenched around the steering wheel his chest tight as his heart raced with panic. He had not come all this way, suffered through hell even after he got OUT of hell to lose Sammy now. “Don’t you know? It’s all about you! I have nothing without you. I don’t want to be without you. The only thing we did wrong is that we didn’t talk to each other, and when we did we didn’t listen to each other!”
“It’s my job to know when you’re lost Sam, and I didn’t see it because I was so wrapped up in me that I didn’t see you weren’t there next to me until it was too late. Then I wasted time being pissed instead of fixing what was broken.”
“Sam, remember that last job with Gordon? Remember when you said that you needed your big brother back? Well, I need my Sammy back. I need my partner in crime, my companion on this never ending road trip we’re on, my lover, my best friend. Damnit Sam, you can’t leave me, not now! Not after everything. They can’t win after we’ve suffered so bad!”
“Just come back and be my Sammy again.”
“I’m a fuck up, Dean.”
“No!” Dean shot back firmly. “You’re just lost, but, I’m here now and we’re gonna fund our way out of the dark. Then, we’re gonna kick all their asses… angels and demons alike. They’ll find out you don’t mess with the brothers Winchester, Sam. You and me against the world. They’ll see.”
Dean nodded as if that was all that was needed to make everything all right, wishing for the days when that had been all he needed to fix all Sammy’s problems.
“The brothers Winchester aren’t exactly the functioning unit we used to be remember? You might be on you’re A game, but I sure as hell ain’t. Apparently I wasn’t even in the same ballpark trying to play the Super Bowl when I was supposed to be in the World Series. I’ve been sucking demon’s blood like it’s a milk shake ‘cause I wanted to believe I had the right answer, when all along I was just helping Ruby win some fucked up demon version of king of the mountain. And, we’ve already proven we can’t exactly put me into a 12-step program to fix it.”
“So, we find some mojo to correct it!” Dean insisted not willing to be pulled off path. “There’s no way we can’t fix this Sam. So, maybe we have to change our methods a little, but we’re gonna find a way damnit. We are all we have left, and I am not losing you.” Dean thought maybe if he kept saying it, that would be enough to fix everything, but soon discovered he was once again mistaken. Things were so much worse than he imagined.
“WHY?” Sam screamed finally breaking into a million little pieces, hand slamming into the passenger’s side window as Dean yanked the steering wheel pulling off the road in a hurry and slamming on the brakes. “WHAT THE FUCK GOOD IS KEEPING ME AROUND? I’M A FUCK UP! I’VE RUINED EVERYTHING! JESUS DEAN I BROUGHT LUCIFER BACK TO LIFE! I CAN FEEL HELL INSIDE OF ME! I CAN’T GO BACK FROM THAT! BE DONE WITH ME! PUT A BULLET IN MY FUCKING HEAD AND BE DONE WITH ME, BECAUSE ALL I AM IS A LIABILITY TO YOU!”
“AND, WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO THEN, SAM?” Dean screamed back, scared and broken himself. “WHAT THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WHEN ALL I HAVE LEFT IS ME?”
Trying to take a step back, Dean paused trying to bring his raging emotions under control. “What the fuck do I have left if I lose you too? You have been my whole life since the day you were born! You were already my life when Dad put you into my arms, my responsibility, and my job. I need you Sam. I meant it at Stanford, and I mean it now. I can’t do it without you! I don’t wanna!”
“My whole life I’ve been losing things that were important to me, my mother, my home, friends, girls, opportunities to be something other than what was on dad’s plan for my life, but I’ve always had you. No matter what I’ve said, I always knew I had you. Hell even when I told you not to come back I knew I had you, knew deep down that if I called, if I sent word out that I needed you, that you’d always be there at my back where you’ve always been! How do you think I do what I do Sam? It’s because I know that I have you there AT. MY. BACK! I know if I misstep, if I miscalculated something, if my idea is bunk I have you there to drag me out, give me time to recalculate, throw me a new idea, whatever the fuck I need, Sam.”
“It’s always been us and it will always be us! We just need to recalculate who we are a little! I need to listen better, you need to listen better. Sammy, you’re not a fuck up, you’re my kid brother, and I won’t make this without you. Do you know why I brought you back? Why I made that deal? I couldn’t make it a few days Sam! You survived FOUR MONTHS. Hell you survived longer than that at college! I couldn’t do it. Mom was right! I’M NOT THE STRONG ONE SAM, YOU ARE! You saw what you thought needed to be done and you did it. You took the hit knowing you probably wouldn’t be able to come back from it. You find the strength to do the things I can’t.”
“Come on, Sam. Brothers Winchester…. Please?” Holding out a hand, Dean watched Sam’s face, watched his Adam’s apple bob as he swallowed around his grief and pain.
“You really believe you need me at your back?” Sam asked hesitantly, as if afraid to come out of the shadows and darkness he'd become comfortable living in. “Despite what I did? How bad I fucked up? You still trust me at your back?”
“Sam,” Dean sighed scooting across the bench, taking Sam’s face in his hands. “Even when you were little, if you messed something up, you ALWAYS fix it. You fight and work ‘til you’re exhausted, you put more on yourself than anyone else, even dad. You never STOP ‘til you’ve made amends. Me, I just try and ignore it hoping it’ll go away, hoping everyone will forget. How can I not trust you when I know you’ll fix this? WE will fix this. SamandDean back together again, the reunion tour. Come on, little brother. Be my co-pilot again, be my roadie, my… what did you call yourself when you were goin’ through that medieval phase as a kid?”
“Scribe,” Sam snorts softly. “I wanted to be your scribe, and you’d be The Black Knight saving the day.”
“Yes! That’s us Sam! Be my brother again! Believe in me again! Be my Sammy again.”
The nod was small, but it was enough. Pulling him into a hug, Dean accepted it was enough. He was well versed in the language of Sam, and knew this was as good as it would get until Sam got his feet under himself, got his confidence back, but it was more than enough for now.
Then, pulling back Dean got behind the wheel again and pulling a tape out of the glove box shoved it in the tape deck, smiling as AC/DC blasted out of the speakers, feeling the tires spit out gravel as he floored it taping out the beat to Back in Black as he raced off toward their future.
Lucifer better watch out.
The End!
Leave a comment